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Out of Juice

August 4, 2019
99 ways to shoot yourself (in the foot) - Part 2

Religious people will recognize that Satan occupies the whole of his family tree. He (or she) is truly one of a kind, in all respects. The evilest entity has no known parent or sibling, and in spite (or maybe because) of its loose morals and generally bad behavior, he/she has no descendant either. 

I am convinced that Satan, having no family responsibilities to speak of, also has an infinite amount of free time on its hands. Considering that this "being" has to keep itself busy for a literal eternity, one must assume that it needs to entertain quite a few hobbies. Those hobbies are necessary to counter the Devil's tedious daily job which is centered around the roasting of human souls on open braziers.

What does the Devil do to pass time? Sadly, no theologian that I know of has ever given this important question as much as a passing thought. Luckily for you, readers, I -- having nothing better to do at the moment -- did. Hear me out:

The great Evil one isn't, by definition, good at anything, so it must keep itself busy by being bad. My theory is that the fallen angel spends most of its free time right here on Earth, impersonating obscure but otherwise extremely productive engineers and product designers. Posing as a genius, he/she must then use the power afforded by those positions to design and market consumable objects that are, at once, irresistible and flawed. The dissemination of the resulting high tech toys -- common objects such as phones, computers, cameras, and drones -- allows the Evil spirit to lure and seduce us, humans, in such a manner that we inevitably end up promoting and financing the exact products and behaviors that will cause our doom. 



This theological theory of mine hasn't been proven (yet.) Nonetheless, you have to admit that if it describes a very twisted, evil plan, is it not?

At the heart of most of these modern toys lies the battery: arguably one of the most devilish components ever devised by (likely, evil-minded) scientists. The rechargeable battery is the best example of the duplicity of means that these devices embody. They are at once the best and the worse of modern tech. 

They are the necessary Schrodinger's cat that keeps devices alive and dead at the same time. 

Batteries, like the modern men and women, are either working or dead: there's no gray-zone. Rechargeable batteries, on the other hand, live a potentially endless cycle of deaths. They are like a prophet, constantly on the verge of vanishing, only to resuscitate in a big, shocking "reveal" a few hours later. Rechargeable batteries are indeed an apparatus imbued with magical powers since they enable cameras to keep shooting and phones to keep browsing by drawing power seemingly out of thin air. On the other hand, they represent the worse of its kind, not the least because they seem to be designed to run out of juice and turn off your devices at the exact moment you need them the most. 

Nobody expects you to keep your camera, computer or phone permanently plugged in: if the vicinity of an electrical outlet was a requirement for shooting videos or operating a smartphone, the world would be a very different place indeed. So what is the solution to the impending death of your device? More (rechargeable) batteries. If there's anything you learn while shooting, it is that you'll need more battery than what you planned for. Plan ahead.

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